


So much, never enough

by nyctophilos



Category: Original Work
Genre: Death, Schizophrenia, Youth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 11:36:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14748069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyctophilos/pseuds/nyctophilos





	So much, never enough

The feeling of knowing your boyfriend was about to commit suicide is not nice. But there is something even less nice, which is knowing he did so partly because of you. Of course, it was part because of his fucked-up brain, but hey.  
The best part is not that very day. The best part is every time you come to think about you becoming old without him. You read the statistics, and you find out 80% of schizophrenics die at 60 years of age. And it’s not like you hadn’t thought of it before the suicide attempt. It’s more like now, it is the most common thought that comes to your mind. You being in the world without him. And not just for a vacation time, but for life.  
All your plans about going to live in the woods somewhere in the Canadian forest, about having the fucking grandkids over, about being with each other, forever, gone.  
The thought of being 20 and having only 40 years to go. You could be together for the fucking eternity, but no.  
And maybe he is a different statistic, but you know, he is in the fucking 1% who was born with the schizo, so why should he be in a different percentage now? The thought is so heavy, you think you’ll need a therapist to lift it off. You hate the doctors for medicating him since he was fucking 2 years old. You hate yourself for being so weak. You hate him for not giving importance to the thing. Who is he, to think it is acceptable to joke about his own death with you? And you cry out your damn eyes and you feel horrible because you remind him of it, and because you make him think he is a problem for you. So you begin crying alone, “in this way I won’t hurt him.” But if you cry alone, you never stop. You get to the point when your eyes have no tears to shed anymore, they are dry as your mind. And you feel idiotic because you could be doing something to actually help your problem. Like talking it out with someone.  
But who could understand you? You know nobody who is with a schizophrenic. You have no money for an actual therapist. You don’t want to make him sad as well. You feel so alone, more than ever. And you don’t know how to stop it. And you love him so much.


End file.
